Back to Work

*sigh*

My days of maternity leave are coming to an end. I head back to work on Thursday after a year off with my precious little girl. My heart aches at the thought of leaving her for 14 hrs. I know I am really extremely lucky. I only have to work once a week, but I can not get over this feeling of sadness. The Bean in my entire world. She is my life. She is the reason I get up in the morning. The reason I smile. She makes me happier than I have ever been in my life. And now I have to leave her at home while I go to work. I have a great job. I get to hold brand new babies all day. Help new mother's breastfeed their infants, which I love and do a lot of teaching. As much as I love my job, nothing compares to my job as a "mama". Every time I think about going back to work, I break down and cry. I know it is silly. I know that. I wish it was easier. I wish I could be strong, but that is not who I am. I am a sappy, emotional, crazy-in-love-with-my-daughter, kind of mama. This is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I'm sure some people think I am being over dramatic, but it is true.

I hope The Bean will adjust well to the change. I really do. I want her to miss me but at the same time, I want her to enjoy her time with her daddy and grandma. It is crazy. I trust my husband and mother very much. I know both of them have a ton of love for The Bean. I know they will do a great job taking care of her during my absence, but nothing compares to a mama. Even though they love her, nothing can match my love for her. Nothing.

I keep having these dreams/night mares, (whatever you want to call 'em) about being at work and missing The Bean taking her first steps, or some other major milestone. I don't know if I can handle that happening. Again, I know it is only one day a week, but I don't care. My heart aches. It just trembles at the thought.

So, for now, I will just try not to think about it. I know there is nothing I can do. I can not change anything. I just have to accept it. I pray for strength. I pray for peace for both of us, but most importantly, I pray for my sweet, precious, gift... My Bean.

Bean, you have no idea how much I love you. You are my forever love. I am sorry that Mommy has to go back to work. I am sorry that I have to leave you all day. I hope you will forgive me. I hope you will have fun with Daddy and Grammie. Just know that while mommy is at work, I will be thinking about you every second and wishing that I was at home with you. Cuddling you. Changing you. Feeding you. Loving you. Please don't forget me. Please know that I am working so you can have a great life and go to a great Montessori school. I love you, Bean. I love you more than I can write in words. I will love you forever and ever. Love, Mommy.